The Loss of a Soulmate

Today is the 6th of November. The last time I managed to remember the day of the year was the 6th of November was 1988. That previous night I sat vigil with the single greatest human it has been my privilege to have know.

It was the night I knew I was going to lose him. After months of watching him slip away it had come down to the final night of his life. It also happened to be the day of his birth. His entire family had gathered into our home to be there when he passed.

His first male partner was there as well. Julian had known Joe when Joe first came out and was his first partner. I was Joe’s last partner. Julian was in the far end of the house with his then partner Peter sleeping in our bedroom while I sat vigil with Joe at the opposite end of the house in the second den. All through the house various Ferrand brothers (Joe Ferrand had three brothers) There were wives, their children and several cousins. Joe came from a large extended family. He had the three brothers and at one point his Aunt helped raise him so he was very close with his cousins.

One of those cousins Magda Torres was there in the room sitting vigil with me. The house was quite large. It accommodated all of these people but it did mean they were everywhere. Magda and I were the only two who refused to go to sleep when everyone else had drifted off. I know they were very close. While in his teens he had been living with his aunt, Magdas mother. He helped raise Magda and her brother Juan who was also in my home that night. While with me for Joe’s final month Magda told me how Joe would dress up as father Christmas for her and her brother who were little at the time. She said she knew all along it was Joe but that didn’t matter. It mattered that Joe wanted to do that as a gift for her and her little brother.

So she stayed up with me. As the night wore on it got more and more quiet. We lived off in the countryside. The house was behind a farm and was bordered in the back by the Wallkill River. Our driveway was a half mile long road that cut the farm in front of us down the middle.

I still dream sometimes that I am passing that farm and looking down that long drive but never once have I been able to turn down that Drive. I’ve only ever been able to linger and look off into the distance where I can see the top of the house through the trees that bordered the property. A small bit of white with a black roof with the driveway entrance bending into the far away home I never saw after I left the day of the memorial.

I sat on a sofa while Madga sat on the other. Joe’s hospital bed was placed under the picture window that looked out over the property to the four apple trees where he and I use to watch Deer. They would come to snack on the fallen apples after they dined on the ears of corn from the farm in front. It was silent because even the farm had no one moving about. The road was so distant that no passing car or truck could be heard. No planes flying over, no quiet chat, just the labored breathing as we sat and waited. The breaths were long slow and labored.

Joe had gone out of his life much like he lived it, quietly and gently. at about 6 Am Magda took a short nap and I let her know I would be there so she could take a bit of time. I wouldn’t let him pass without her and assured her I wouldn’t let her just sleep and miss his passing. She awoke an hour later and we again sat as one waiting. At 8:30 she did the same for me. I drifted off for 16 minutes.

I woke up to complete silence. He had passed and Magda didn’t have the time to wake me. He just went. I sat up turned to him and he was gone. I remember I couldn’t move for a moment. I realized I had missed his last moment and it broke me. That was the moment nothing meant as much to me as it ever had or ever did again. It was like the lights in a theater had been dimmed to tell the public this was the time to go to their seats. I could still see everything clearly but in a much dimmer way.

That day was his 43rd Birthday and the night before his family stood around him singing a last Happy Birthday song. A song I tried to mouth along but couldn’t bring myself to sing. I couldn’t even finish mouthing it. It was hollow and false. It was a song of celebration. It was about how wonderful it was that he existed. It was not a song to celebrate his last day on Earth.

He saw me try to humor his family. He saw me just mouthing the words and he saw me falter. His eyes said it all. He knew I couldn’t do it and he knew why. I was losing half my soul and he always understood me. There was precious little about me he didn’t know. We knew each others hearts minds and souls immediately when we first met. We only filled each other in on the details of or lives up to the point when we met. It was shared background only. What mattered was our insight into each other. I knew his mind when joy would come up and I knew him in his silences. This was the final thought we shared. He knew why I could not be part of the throng in that den singing out a song of celebration.

As I regained myself I went to the bedside and took his hand. I held on to it and Magda faded away for me. In fact it was only upon writing this that I remembered it was her in the room with us that night. I had blocked out as much as I could for the past 28 years. Half my life. In fact, until today I could not force myself to remember his passing birthday on the actual day. I was 28 when we met and for 27 subsequent years I couldn’t force myself to remember November 6th On November 6th.

Magda quietly said we should tell the others. I got up let his hand go and walked out as she tucked his hand back onto the covers. I walked out to the kitchen, through the Dining room where people slept on the floor. Through the living room with people in all the chairs and on the three sofas. Down the hallway past the other bedrooms where the rest of Joe’s family slept and went on into our bedroom. 7 people were sleeping in there two in the other den, three on the floor and Julain and Peter were in our bed. I leaned over to Julain and he woke with a start. He saw the look in my face and he flew out of that bed. He raced through the room down the hall and past all the other rooms past everyone else. They all woke from the start. Julian was not a small man. He was more like a human butterfly to me. 6 feet 2 inches of all arms and legs flying through the house sounding more like a horse running than the butterfly I normally thought of when those long lean limbs would gently stride through a room. I followed as fast as him going back to the second den and everyone knew. Joe was gone. Julian knelt one kneed on the floor holding Joe’s arm sobbing. Magda stood there as did I and as his family gathered back into the room they had previously sung to him and said their Goodnights.

I really don’t know what they said or did after that. I wasn’t part of their circle. They were his family I was only the partner. They gathered in the living room and said their prayers and then went into one of the larger bedrooms to do some sort of revival meeting. They were glad of my absence and I was glad of theirs. At this point the lights were dimmed as the day began. The sun seemed not as bright for me. It was full daylight but I walked around in the dark. I knew I couldn’t function if I grieved so I put it aside. No one was going to take any of what was left to me of Joe. Well other than the three full length moving trucks that showed up after Joe’s memorial service as they emptied out my home to bring back and sell at auction.

I had my thoughts of Joe, my time with him was the only important thing and knew I had to make arrangements. Until the end of the memorial I don’t think I said or did anything that I didn’t absolutely have to, to anyone. When the house was emptied I got into a car, said my last good bye to the only home I ever knew was going to mean anything to me and left down the long driveway I have never seen again.

Today is the first time I have allowed myself to recall that day. I had to do something significant to remember that day. So last night I sat up until 8:46 am and then went to sleep. I hid the entire day yesterday and am doing so again today. I just cant bring myself to be part of anything outside the bedroom door today. This day is dedicated to him and all I really want is to see him in whatever way I can. So this will have to do. I’ll write about him and sit and remember the days I felt complete with my other half by my side